Sunday, 19 July 2015 —
This weekend was one of the very few weekends that I did not go to work. We were invited to my assistant’s daughter’s first birthday party. I absolutely adore Demetria and Joe and Olivia is a doll. I had RSVP’d even before there were party invitations made. The thought of eating pulled pork on a Saturday was appealing enough to me since I do not make pork (or even have a fucking clue how) and try to hide behind a “kosher” grin (even though I consider bacon its own food group). Mom Yvonne came along and drove, Chris and I attended after an early afternoon of drinking our way downtown. I think the mix of prosecco, wine and bloody marys made me and him irritable because it didn’t seem like we could agree on anything even though we coyly muttered “I love you” every two minutes to let each other know we were both being sensitive bitches. Welcome to love. That’s how we love. We love harder than any couple I know. Even when we’re irritated, we love each other. I find it hard sometimes to hold my 31-year old voice, but I have learned to not bite back at him like my parents did with each other. We move through it.
We got to the party about 40 minutes after the invitation said to and about 50-60 people were already there. I was surprised! I’m normally early to social engagements and didn’t think there’d be more than maybe 15 people there, but to my surprise, they were ready to eat some pulled pork about as much as I was. If the crowd that Demetria invited was anything like me, they don’t count party calories either.
Watching the baby eat her cake and make cute faces was the highlight to the engagement and talking to D’s grandmother. She’s incredibly witty and she made me comfortable. As for my mom and Chris, I could tell they felt a bit out of place, but I find that if they stick close, they’ll ease up. Maybe not today, but maybe at another function. In any case, there was vodka, so we were a-ok.
After the party, Chris and I came home and napped. Well, more like I napped and he watched Netflix on his Kindle. I have been under the weather since I came back from vacation and have found that drinking exacerbates my mood these days. Not only is my immune system low, but so is my patience. Maybe I was the only moody bitch yesterday! It’s quite possible.
This morning has been uneventful, but fulfilling for me as I get back on track and watch my normal binge of cooking shows and favorite people on TV (Ina Garten, Nigella Lawson) and contemplated whether to write or not.
I was stopped by a former co-worker the other day and she asked me if I was “bugged and recording” and made reference to my first blog “Pretty Boy Education” and my fashion column “Haute Mess” from years ago and talked about what a gossip I was and how I love to spill the tea. I thought to myself that she should get on track as both of those projects are more than four years old and no longer active. I was totally infamous for running my honest opinion five years ago or so and have cooled down a bit in light of recent controversy and gossip. She made a slight reference to that as well. I quickly shut that conversation down and walked back to work.
As I began to walk back, I started thinking: I miss that old Josh. I miss the honesty. I miss the willingness to let my thoughts out. I miss people asking about so-and-so and what he said or what my opinion was. I’ve been so good being quiet lately that it’s affected my mood, my interaction with everyday people and those closest to me. Why? I was fearless not so long ago. Have I began aging and worrying about what people say or am I just trying to keep a low profile?
I think it’s a mix of both, actually.
So, here’s some tea to spill: there’s been talk recently of me not getting along with a (at one time) good friend of mine. I hear all kind of stuff from mutual sources and I’m sure he hears the same bullshit, but truly, there is no fight to talk about. The fact is that I feel like he was no longer a good friend to me. I feel like friends check on each other. I had a very public moment of anger in his business that was filmed and seen all over the internet, I quickly apologized to him and issued a public apology that people tore to shreds. I asked for a public recognition from him and he didn’t make good on his word. What I do know is that the situation has been embarrassing for the pair of us, but neither of us have had a chance to connect and discuss it.
The latest comments that are attached to this controversy is that statements have been made about my partner from him and the group of friends we once shared. I frankly cannot sit across from someone and honor the same place in him as me when I haven’t said shit until now about him. I don’t speak about his partner and I would never dog his partner. It’s rude to talk disparagingly about anyone’s spouse or partner unless they are abusive to the relationship (which Chris is not).
The best thing for me to do is move on without this connection until some situation brings us together and frankly, I could get through Rosh Hashanah without a word. I don’t care to make direct contact at this time, but feel like the situation will have to be addressed soon. That’s that, I guess.
Yesterday’s excursion out of our neighborhood allowed me to think hard and long about connections and my voice. I haven’t used my voice properly or to its full affect in three months and now its time to get vocal again. I don’t care to have confrontations, but I do feel like people need to understand I haven’t given two fucks in the past about your opinion of me and I won’t sit quietly. It’s not my style.
I was asked on Friday if I would return for our community’s version of “Dancing with the Stars” once again. I was signed to the event a year ago, have been with the organization’s event since the first year and this year will mark the fifth year. I said, “of course I am. That’s my event.”
I understand I was asked after all this nonsense that has gone on, but why ask me over and over again? If you want to fire me from the event or ask me to leave, ask me. Don’t ask me repeatedly IF I’ll be there.
I’ll be there: Original Josh, original voice, honest, spilling tea and listening to everyone’s bullshit or sipping tea and being applauded. I’m moving on, remember? xoxo- j.