a year in my life, comedy, controversy, diary, don't be rude, gossip, spilling tea

Late Night Thursday: I Don’t Buy My Friends Wholesale… Like Some People.

THURSDAY, 30 JULY 2015 —

Last night I came home and was in a penne-making frenzy.  I have to admit something to you:  I am addicted to wholesale shopping online!  Oh my goodness, boxed.com is the shit.com! They have amazing products.  I buy almost all my non-perishable items with their app and bought sixteen boxes of pasta that arrived to the salon in a 76 pound box along with coffee, paper products, Mrs. Meyer’s natural cleansing products among other important daily essentials (like Chris’ Olay body wash).  Anyway, I got on Twitter and thanked them for their promptness with the order and they tweeted back that I rocked.  How cool is that? I did just spend $170, I better fucking rock! But I digress… 

As I was perusing Facebook’s timeline tonight, I was reminded of a wedding I was uninvited to happening this weekend when the two lovely ladies posted a picture of themselves getting their marriage license.  This will officially be the second wedding I was uninvited to this year.  Received save the date cards, reserved the day in my non-stop schedule to celebrate these fuckers’ nuptials and never received a formal invitation, but heard all of the rumors through various people as to why I wouldn’t be welcome and why I would be too controversial to invite.  I find it funny, there was one wedding I was going to send a gift to, but the one this weekend was the one I planned on attending especially since it’s the wedding of a politician and I gave funds to her campaign during her fundraising.  Hmm.. Loyalty, much?

What I have noticed is that people are very fake when it comes to associating with you.  They like your reputation or your money or both and when you go through any kind of public spectacle or they feel like you’re not a “cookie cutter” like them, they disassociate after the check has been cashed or after you’ve paid for drinks, had your Armani resized or already made plans to be under the “spell” that you could possibly still be friends. In any case, fuck fake people. Politicians, angry haters or people looking to lick the ass cracks of anyone they think could take them higher.  I frankly hope the wedding is an outdoor affair and it’s 120 degrees and it rains on the cake they probably purchased from Sam’s Club.  

Not attending the crap-tinged wedding has allowed me to take to the stage once again this weekend and perform my first stand up comedy set after a four-month hiatus.  I’m kind of happy not to be in the woods sweating and smelling the aroma of 200 sweaty douche bags in all honesty.  If the words coming from this particular group of “friends” has any validity, then I am happy they’ll be eating freezer-burned wedding cake (bought half-off, mind you) as I get on stage and don’t have to see their mugs grinning back with diarrhea cramps as they cringe at my punchlines.

The business of comedy is rather hard.  People either love you or they DON’T. Its a flat “I like you” or “fuck you, dude” when you’re on stage.  There is no gray zone.  I tend to push people’s limits when I’m onstage.  If they don’t laugh at the gay man, they’re homophobes, if they laugh, it’s as if they were waving rainbow flags the whole time. That’s not a punchline, just truth and perception.

Coolest part is that on Saturday, I will have people at Andy Mac’s that want to be there for comedy, I didn’t have to buy my friends wholesale like some people.


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