a year in my life

Sunday Night: Shade Gets Old

SUNDAY, 16 AUGUST 2015 — 

Last night Chris and I went to a housewarming party for my friend and housekeeper, Elena.  We arrived super fashionably late.  It was late enough to be considered “night” and walked into her backyard to see a gigantic landscape of people throwing horse shoes, sipping canned beverages and talking.  “Hey, it’s Josh!” a man with a long beard said and shook my hand.  I am so bad at remembering names.  I shook his hand, said “HEY” and looked for Elena.  I was so lost.  Chris pointed to her dark silhouette and I could barely distinguish her.  She was rushing around and looking super busy.  I felt bad.  Here we were, coming to celebrate her home purchase and she’s running around batty trying to keep things in check.

About half an hour went by and I was onto a second Mike’s Hard (something) and Elena finally was able to sit down to a plate of cold food that had been sitting there since Chris and I had walked in.  I noticed that her plate was at the furthest table from the group.  I know for a fact Elena is much like me in the fact that she doesn’t feel the need to mix with people to make them like her, but I also have the feeling she can feel insecure, much like I do in bigger groups of twenty or more.  In a lot of ways, we’re alike, we’re good entertainers, perfectionists and I found out (after walking through her garage) that Elena shops wholesale like me! She’d be a great Jew! (It’s funny, people!)

As we toured Elena and Jed’s new home, I had a sense of pride.  I am proud of her.  I want to see her succeed and move onto amazing opportunities.  She currently has a day job for a bath and beauty brand that moved to town and hired Elena full-time.  She cleans for me weekly and I am happy to see her do well.  I want her to buy another car and eventually be able to buy a bigger home and do what she pleases.  I get scared that she may one day leave me because she’s become too busy, but truth is, she’s been a huge asset to me at home and a good friend out of job title.  When I was being attacked publicly online and in the press in April, she really jumped in and defended me.  She has always had my back and I will always have hers. Even if she didn’t come to my home to clean,  I would consider her my friend and I am looking forward to see her flourish.  She’s talented, driven and creative.  I couldn’t be happier for her and Jed and that’s the honest truth.

Today, Chris and I made an appearance at Pueblo Pride 2015 as Josh Cooley and Damentia Madirilliano.  He looked great! Chris can’t wait to compete on a season of RuPaul’s Drag Race.  Truth is, I think he’d be great on a reality competition series the way I say I’d be great on a reality show.  Chris does NOT hold his tongue. He’s honest, catty and knows how to throw shade better than Mariah talking about Nicki Minaj. He’s so bitchy! I love it.

We walked to the event and were greeted by stares and whispers.  A few ladies took pictures with Chris and a few people came up to talk to me about the blog, the salon and compliment Chris’ look as Damentia.  I had a business acquaintance of mine ask if I fell in love with Chris in OR OUT OF drag.  Well, I like boys, so you know what my answer was… We walked into The Senate and saw the politician that had her fundraiser there a year ago and she had a total shit fit with her tribe as I walked to the back to wash my hands in the men’s room.  When I walked back to my seat, Elena (who came with us) told me they were staring and whispering.  Chris said they were throwing major shade.  Oh well.  Be shady.  Be fake.  It’s about gay pride, not our tiff or my blog, bitch.  That’s how I feel.

As we finished our drinks, I looked at Chris and asked if he and Elena would like to visit one of the local gay bars so we could clock some of the horrid excuses for drag queens we saw at Pueblo Pride.  We got there and would you believe that none of those burnt bitches showed up? You put all that effort into patting down make-up and padding your ass to go home and take it all off? I don’t get it!  At least stop at the local gay watering hole and have a drink, ya know? As we sat there, we had many a stare, many a whisper and many a shade thrown like the two stops prior.  What the fuck, Pueblo? Is that your past time? Talking shit about me and my partner? Come say hi.

As I sat at the bar at The Pirate’s Cove, I was texting a friend that wanted me to come next door to The Downtown Bar. I looked at the text in amazement. Why on Earth would I go to a place that I suffered such public scrutiny and had such a publicized fight this year with a bigoted patron?  Had my friend lost her damn mind!  I sat there and stewed.  Elena and Chris looked at me as I turned red.  I couldn’t believe the texts I was receiving like nothing had ever happened four months ago.  I had death threats for God’s sake! Why would I go there and have a fucking drink? I apologized months ago for the fight that broke out at The Downtown Bar and after asking the owner (who happened to be my friend) to issue a statement about the nature of the fighthe never delivered on his word to me that he would publicly issue a statement about the incident.  Months later, I’m 86ed from the bar and people still ask why I’m upset.  Are they stupid? Betrayal is often painted as a friend.  I wish my friend tonight would have thought about how I felt about this gesture.  Why would I return to a place I don’t feel safe and to a place where the owner didn’t have my god-damned back? Think again! 

As we left The Pirates Cove, I saw my friend outside and asked her if she was out of her fucking mind for sending that text. She said she was sorry and I looked at her with a very sour look.  Chris and Elena were clearly uncomfortable.  It began to rain. As the drops hit my flat-ironed hair, I thought about my naturally wavy hair shining through in a few humid minutes.  We said goodbye and left.  I was steaming! I don’t think my friend realizes I’m upset.  I know we’re going to have to discuss this.  I love her so much and want to be friends with her greatly, but this “forgetting what happened” mentality is not my schtick. I won’t be going back to The Downtown Bar without a fucking apology from the owner for not having my back. I defended myself and people need to realize I acted out the way I did months ago because I was insulted and attacked by a drunk, piece of shit that had hateful things to say.  Did I react right? No, but is bigotry alright? Absolutely not. Having NO OPINION is as bad as saying you don’t have my back to me.

We came home and Chris untucked his junk and washed his face.  Christophe Madrilliano returned and pissed off Josh simmered down.  We walked back to The Senate, had a burger and came home. As I sipped my coffee tonight, I cooled down and realized I have over-reacted to a bad public shaming. My friends should never have to deal with my wrath because I still worry about my reputation.  My friend is sweet, I love her and I want her to understand I would never do that to her.  I don’t forget the past and I do not forget when I’ve been wronged.  My wrong doing in April still echoes at least weekly.  Today’s Pueblo Pride was tainted slightly by my situation and more so by my own ego.  Its time to let go.  Throw shade, invite me to places I won’t go to, who cares! I have too many good things going for me than all that chatter.

I really need to move on.  Being offended by people is getting old.


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