TUESDAY, 18 AUGUST 2015 —
Everything came to a screeching halt tonight before dinner was served as Chris walked in and I was texting a friend alerting me of some news about the gossip between a friend of mine and someone I don’t care too much for. I’m incredibly annoyed at the situation and want to air out all of the dirty laundry, but have chosen not to. First and foremost, I don’t know what’s true and what’s not. Secondly, I can’t just react as a hot head and blow up. It’s not okay. Once again, I find myself holding my tongue and choking on scripted verbiage about how to handle this situation and what I really want to say versus what I should say. One thing I have come to terms with is that this situation is not about me and I have to elaborate and tell you why its not:
I had a guest come in today and talk to me about the salon, life, her business, her life and we got into the subject of future plans as Virgos. Today, I was sent a message from my rabbi and my Kabbalah teacher telling me that this whole month before Rosh Hashanah is a spiritual preparation for the dry cleaning we go through during The High Holy Days. Four days ago, I started reading emails intently from my teacher and writing down my affirmations, intentions and actions for the day. I have started making game plans for the salon, the house, my partnership with Chris, my staff and my friends. Sammy, my guest, said she’s been doing the same thing, but it was advised to her from her therapist, not her rabbi.
As we spoke about the plans we had for our businesses and lives, she noticed that my voice became very tense and I told her in one sentence, “I don’t know, Sammy, I’m conflicted. That’s the only word I find that describes this time in my life and certain situations, I’m conflicted.”
She looked at me and said, “Josh, you’re feeling abandoned. That’s what I hear. Sweet love, you have to understand that what you’re feeling really ISN’T about you and that you are feeling as though everyone has abandoned you and now you’re looking for voids and gaps of abandonment.”
It made so much sense to me. I’m not conflicted. I’m feeling abandoned from my friends, members of my family and peers. I have been so distraught this year with losing reputation and friends, that now I live in a world of abandonment. Oh my god, I should have comped her service for hitting the nail on the head.
She softened the moment by saying, “I think we, as Virgos, do that to ourselves. It’s our thing. Just remember, it’s not about you, Josh. It never was.”
Has my ego taken the hit or what? My rabbi wrote today that we need to stop saying we’re sorry for things we can’t correct. If you step on someone’s foot accidentally, you can say sorry all you want, but you cannot take the pain away. Its gonna sting! Pain vs action that caused the pain are two different things. I can never tell someone to take my pain away, their actions are theirs, mine are mine. My reactions are mine only. Reacting to pain and abandonment doesn’t belong to anyone I’m in conflict with.
Talking to Sammy made so much sense today and I don’t even think she knows how valuable her words were to me. Tonight’s news is just that. Someone has stepped on my foot and no matter how they say how sorry they may be, they cannot take the pain away. Frankly, I shouldn’t be so upset. It’s not mine to be upset about yet!
This situation has nothing to with me and more so has a lot to do with the person
who shall remain unmentioned.
This isn’t about me. (I got to keep saying that to myself)
It’s not about me.