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Late Thursday Night: It’s Definitely Not About Me

THURSDAY, 20 AUGUST 2015 —

I had a Josh and Mom day with my mom that I remember we used to always have on usually Sundays. I absolutely love having one-on-one time with her.  Today, she came in and got her hair done in between clients with the patience of a saint while I applied foils, I rinsed her, while I rinsed her, I applied a glaze and painted on someone else’s roots.  I hate working without an assistant in the salon.  Today, I held it together as a solo act like times.  I hate doing things by myself after all this time. It seemed as though every message I received today was someone telling me they couldn’t meet me or couldn’t be there.  I kept repeating to myself “it’s not about me.”

It’s not really.  Chris even told me to just let everything brush off my back like a duck in water and not worry about things that I cannot control. So, there we have it: it’s not about me.  It won’t be and I’m moving on.  Whatever happens, happens.  I was on too much a mission today to let anyone steal my shine.

My mom and I went grocery shopping at the natural foods store and had a little bonding time.  If you’ve ever been grocery shopping with me, you know that I go down EVERY aisle and read a label on at least one item in each of those aisles.  I get a high from it. My mom normally stands at one end and does the same thing.  We take mental notes of what each other are looking at and it seems like we have some sort of edible wanderlust for dried edamame or imported cheeses.  It’s funny really. I always tell people that my mom is me, but female and 52. It’s truly about that accurate. We do the same things in sync, react the same way, and like a lot of the same things.  Today felt like the days when I would just hang out all day and she wouldn’t leave my house til 9pm.

After we went shopping, we went out for sushi and I had sake and she had a lemonade.  She’s been watching her sugar intake these days since being diagnosed with diabetes, but I wanted to realistically tell her that the lemonade probably has as much, if not more, sugar as my sake.  She had a tiny serving of my sake and looked at me and said, “I don’t drink that much anymore.”

My heart bled. I have a drink at almost every meal except breakfast and I do not drink at home usually, so if we’re out and about, you’re damned right, I’m having a grown-up beverage! My poor mom, I feel bad for her: she’s changed her eating habits because of concerns from her doctor, not cos she joined Weight Watchers or anything fun like that. I do shit like that! I’m happy though, she and my dad have been losing weight the last couple months and whether its diabetes or getting older or just being more conscience in their food decisions, then it’s worth it… maybe its those visits to Vitamin Cottage that are rubbing off.  I doubt it’s the Rocco DiSpirito book I gave her or the app I asked her to download.

At home, I walked into to Chris sitting on the floor playing on his Kindle and talking on the phone.  I told him I was bringing him something to eat, but didn’t tell him from where.  I know in his heart that he was looking forward to Taco Bell or McDonald’s (he loves fast food) and I came home with some deep fried asian chicken thing he doesn’t necessarily like. He said, “it’s okay, I’m not hungry”. Ugh. I had a moment of dismay.  Here I am carrying groceries and spending time with my mom.  My mom enjoyed her time with me, my cilents today seemed to enjoy all their sessions with me, but I haven’t been hitting home runs with the people closest to me outside of that.  Maybe I’m working too much, maybe I’m taking too much time living a “dream”, I don’t know.  I hope everyone gets back on track and we all synchronize once again because today’s deafening silence is all too reminiscent of the feeling you get before a break-up with someone close.  I know its not Chris sending these vibes, but I feel them coming from another connection in my life.

Chris opened up his to-go container and ate the chicken and rice.  “Thank you bubby”, he said sincerely.

I looked at the counter top as I was unloading all my natural food goodies and said, “hey bubs! Did you see the miso they put in the bag for you?

“I LOVE Miso!” He cried out like an excited five year-old.

Okay, maybe the deafening silence was only on my text messages the past couple days, not at home with Chris, not with my mom on our adventure today.

The deafening silence I’m hearing is DEFINITELY NOT about me.

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