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Monday Night: I Hope I’m Doing It Right

MONDAY, 14 SEPTEMBER 2015 — ROSH HASHANAH

I woke up this morning to Chris giving me a kiss on the cheek before he took off for the day.  It was way before 7:30 when he left.  That is not a common occurrence for Chris to be up and out of the house that early.  He was on his way to see his mom.  He has been completely dedicated to helping his family through this situation.  He has been up and there being a good son, being a good brother, being a strong man when its been incredibly tough for him to be strong on the inside.  Last night, he came home from a long day of cleaning his mom’s house and visiting with her all day.  He sat in the doorway of our balcony and smoked cigarettes and cried and talked about his childhood.  This flood of memories came out of the most honest place Chris could ever access.  He was 5 years old again, 6 years old again, 17 again and relived all those moments in front of me.  I was so humbled to listen to his sincerity.  He shared with me stories of growing up: sad stories, good stories, school stories, bullying stories and memories of his mom.  He had tears in his eyes for a solid two hours and it took everything in my power not to be a baby in front of him.  Even as I type this I’m sobbing.  I can’t stop my eyes from welling up because I don’t know the feeling to lose a parent.  Chris has been so strong.  I know it’s been difficult for him and all I can do is listen and support him at this time. I made him some Annie’s Shells and talked with him until he fell asleep on the couch.  His body, his face, his mind oozed of exhaustion.  I turned the lights out and tried to wake him up so he could come to bed.  He wasn’t budging.  I went to bed, headphones in one ear and cried.

Today was a day of work work work.  It was one cut after another retouch after another cut.  It was another day of mentoring and the second day that Laurel was clocked in and helping me manage my business.  She runs every errand, takes every phone call and keeps me together!  She’s a superstar! I could not focus to save my life today.  I loved each guest as normal, but I just feel like I could be doing more to help Chris.  My Aunt visited me today and got her hair cut.  We talked about new cell phones, my birthday party and Chris.  I felt like today I was on autopilot.  It’s a very different feeling when you are in a committed relationship.  You literally become engrossed in what the other person is feeling, not doing. I know Chris is busy and so quick text messages back and forth are as much as we have exchanged lately.  I came home and made a potato and celery soup.  It’s 9:30 and my poor baby is still with family.  I’ve caught up watching all The Housewives on Bravo and have Madonna turned up loud on the Macbook as I type this.

I am being incredibly domestic in an effort to keep normalcy at home for Chris.  When he comes in, I listen, he talks and cries and I give him soup, Coca Cola, whatever.  Mostly, I am just happy when he gets home because I know he is going through Hell right now.  All I can do is be a good listener and a good househusband.  I hope I’m doing it right.

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