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Tuesday Morning: Insomnia on the Island called “Josh”

TUESDAY, 27 OCTOBER 2015 —

It’s 5am on a Tuesday morning.  I seriously layed in bed for the last hour scrolling through my iPhone looking at my iTunes playlist.  I put on some meditation music and none of that was thrilling me.  Then, I played some Madonna, she always thrills me.  Gwen Stefani came next and I thought about her break-up with longtime hubby Gavin Rossdale.  That has to suck.  I mean, really, they’ve been together for about twenty years since her Tragic Kingdom days. She has had monumental success being on The Voice this year and she has a new make-up palette collection with Urban Decay.  I just now started following her on Instagram and hadn’t realized what a busy woman she’s been.  I started to wonder, is she happy?

As I tossed and turned in bed, I thought to myself: “am I happy?” The answer is a simple “yes”.  Am I happy with my business? Yes. Am I happy in my relationship at home? Yes.  Am I happy outside of those two aspects? No.

I know it sometimes shocks people that I can be so blatantly honest, but it’s true.  I have to admit to you that 2015 is one of the most annoying years I have ever lived in my life.  I have had some incredible moments this year like my birthday party and celebrating a year with Chris.  Those are both amazing moment from this year.  The business is growing and I couldn’t be more pleased, but I do have to tell you: it’s been a real shitty year on the friendship level.

The other day, my good friend brought up a question from my former friend directed to me through her: “Does Josh hang out with anyone anymore?”

The answer is a simple yes.

Am I happy with my friendships?

No.

The person that asked her this question used to be a very good friend of mine.  I thought he was at least.  This question through a third party has haunted me now for three days and I’m very annoyed by the fact that it has woken me up at 4 this morning.  I couldn’t even find the right pop ballad to daydream to while I lay in bed wondering if sleep would ever return to me.  The song ended and I was still perplexed by that question.  I played another song.  The question came back.  I played another song. Finally, I said “fuck this shit” and got out of bed and make a cup of Lavazza.  According to the label, it’s “Italy’s Favorite Coffee”.  I’m not so sure about that, but then again, I’m not in Italy.  As I sip this coffee, I have to think, why would he ask such a question?

Does my friend miss me? Are his fingers broken? He can’t call? Why speak through others asking about me? Are you in bad health? I dunno. I can cautiously address all my meanderings like this (because I know people will report this blog to him in some capacity): if you miss me, call me.

Now, this particular friend has disappointed me this year.  I own a business and he owns a couple.  I have not stepped foot in his business since April.  He has not invited me in since April.  He has also not spoken to me since April.  Does he miss me? Probably.  I spent alot of money at his bar.  I loved sitting there and talking to the patrons whom I called friends.  When I got with Christopher, he started acting weird.  People in our social circle made jabbing comments about me and Chris and asked innappropriate questions and even talked about us behind our backs (after we bought them drinks, no less).  I don’t think any of those people were ever truly my friends.  I can sadly admit now that I am upset with this man and I have heard numerous rumors (from the same two sources) that he has a personal boycott against me and my friends and clients.  He’s very rude to them and to me,

2015 has been the most aggravating year for me in terms of friendships.  Two of my good friends have moved on.  One moved away, one has moved on in her life.  I love them both dearly and feel a void when I see their names in my iPhone.  I have a few good acquaintances and wonderful clients that deserve more of my time than people that would much prefer I dub them the capital “F” word (friend). I just don’t feel like anyone has really had much to say this year that could make me feel safe in any friendship.  I feel like I have been living on an island, getting news in a bottle about what gossip people have about so-and-so and me and others in the community.  Frankly, I like the island.  We don’t get newspapers on my island.  We don’t watch cable on my island.  We don’t solicit fakeness on my island.  We don’t even care to talk about others on my island.  That’s why the island known as Josh has drifted further on.  Living in the middle of the ocean is alright.  Sometimes, supplies are tight, but I don’t have to share with anyone.  Sometimes, I take a field trip, but ultimately, my metaphorical island is still there.

2015 is the year I learned to let people go. I remember when I would do anything to please anyone and I won’t do it anymore.  i don’t care to.  Most holiday seasons from late October to early January in years past I have went reclusive and lived like a very Meditterenean Greta Garbo on the metaphorical island I described in the last paragraph.  When New Year’s Day comes, I look at my phone and see who has called, texted, tried to contact me and start the year off with that handful of people and everyone else that trinkles in stays part of the group or drifts away.

This year, everyone went away it seems as soon as I needed them.  Yes, my salon is busy and yes my clients are my friends, but the ones that used to hang out with me don’t anymore.  They’ve listened to the poisonous rumors, they’ve become part of the drama that has somehow continued to be talked about by this man at his two businesses.  Some don’t go there anymore, some don’t even come see me anymore.  They are, however, dwindling back to me telling me things he has asked and things he has said.

I know that people might blame my blog for saying too much, but what else is there? I live on an island, remember? My blog is an outlet for me as a writer.  I love writing and I am very honest in my views when it comes to situations.  The situations you read about are my life.  I love to write about how I feel and some people call that dramatic.  I would disagree.  They’re my feelings.  How can your feelings be drama? They’re personal.  If I feel hurt, someone should ask, “who hurt you?” They shouldn’t assume that I hate everyone or want to talk shit.  I talk shit because I’ve been talked shit about or sometimes I just want to vent.

The man asking “does Josh hang out with anyone anymore?” used to be a good friend.  He hasn’t been in a long time.  I found out after all these months that all I happened to be to him was a bar tab.  If he has questions about me, he can read the blog or call me.

Finally, let’s close this blog like this: if you have questions for me, call me. Fuck, even email me!  I don’t care.  Stop talking about what I did or how much you despise me and move on or just pretend we were never friends.  It’s really okay with me.  If you need me, I’ll be on my island hibernating.

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