Thursday, 7 January 2016 —
Tonight, I took a moment and sat at the wine bar for old time’s sake and checked my email and social media. I bought a couple of glasses of wine and the bartender bought my third. I did not need a third! Who EVER needs a third glass of wine? Anyway, it felt good to sit and just relax. I feel like I haven’t had a chance to relax for four days. My blood pressure has got to be scary at times like that! I wrote some Facebook post about how the heart is a muscle and to give your heart a rest when your brain is stressed and to wait til you’re calm to love again. I don’t know what it all meant, but what I do know is that it made ME feel better. This year I’ve been trying to just take a majority of the time to focus on me and my well-being. 2015 stressed me the fuck out. I don’t think I could possibly fathom going through that shit show again…
Today I made a short list of men I want to approach for a dance that requires them to be shirtless in boxer shorts or thongs for Fasching. I have six on my list. I think two will bite. We are short a couple of dancers and I told the event coordinator I would try to help her find some guys. She told me we only had room for two more. Well, thank goodness, because I only think two will say “yes”. Last year, there was a hoot and hollering time happening when the men revealed they were wearing thongs and their bare buns were showing. It was thrilling! I was drunk on German beer and enjoyed it as much as everyone. I remember saying “Fuck” into the microphone when they showed their asses and feeling a bit 16 year oldish. I hope the two guys that say “yes” don’t mind this scenario happening again.
This weekend I don’t have one thing planned and I have to secretly disclose that I am looking forward to leaving work at 2pm and coming home and not doing a single fucking thing. I am supposed to be detailing my house and cleaning, but this lack of motivation is spawned by the realization that time isn’t changing and that I have a long time to complete the tasks I put on my to-do list. I don’t want to forget the tasks, but I’m not in a hurry. This morning I woke up with heartache in my chest like it was the end of era or something. I looked over and Chris passed out next to me and realized that we are working so hard already and its only the first week of the year. At 30-something, I wonder when the days will just blend into 40-something Josh. It’s scary to think of, so I think Saturday I’m going to calm myself down and NOT think of my mortality.
This morning I woke up at 8:40 and knew I had a 9:30 guest. I was annoyed that I didn’t have nearly enough time to shower and prepare for my day. I rolled my eyes and snorted smoke out of my nose as I walked to work in a hurry. I am convinced that the parasite that lived in my belly for a week has left me brain dead. When the clock rings at 6, it means wake up, not hit snooze. I’ve had a cough since shitting out the worm on Monday morning. It makes me feel like I’m dying or have a compromised immune system. I rolled into work tired and upset. I couldn’t get with it until I made coffee and when my first guest came in, I just laughed and talked as usual. Who am I fooling? There was nothing rushed about my morning. It was cold and I had a cough! I would have called off today if I could. I don’t like to let people down though.
When I came home tonight, I realized that I need to rest. I may have a cold, I may be recovering from being sick. Who knows? Chris is bartending tonight and last night I took every word he said sensitively. I think I’m sick. I feel like a five year old that cannot eat enough chicken noodle soup. Why is this happening to me? I never get sick! I don’t wake up late. What happened to my New Year’s resolutions to wake up early, work out and be happy?
Oh wait! I never made those my resolutions…