Sunday, 14 February 2016 — Valentine’s Day
I woke up this morning about 9:30 and walked around the apartment. I kept looking at the clock like I couldn’t believe it was only 9:30. I felt like all I did was sleep yesterday. The fact is that I didn’t want to leave the house yesterday and didn’t have the energy to go in on a Saturday. I felt like I needed to hit “pause” this week a couple of times. For nearly three weeks I have been racing myself to play catch up and have just accepted that sometimes — yes, sometimes — we never catch up on our to-do lists. You what we do when this happens? We start a NEW to-do list and stop kicking ourselves in the ass over the lack of perfection. This, for me, is easier said than yesterday. Yesterday, I fully “unplugged” and vanished. I just couldn’t make Josh happen. It wasn’t going to. Better yet, I wasn’t going to.
I had picked up the house a bit Thursday night and walked around in circle and looked at the plants growing. Chris and I are on a mission to have a NY City Rooftop-Style Garden this year. We have started calling the plants “the babies”. They are sweet little things! They love to be talked to and love the sunshine in my once-office. Every time I walk into that room, I feel like I smell cleaner, clearer oxygen. Am I imagining this or have I been smoking too much?
I joined my mom and dad today at lunch while Chris rested and we talked about all the grueling details and gossip affecting my world. They just laugh at my own narrations of my life. I think I would laugh at me too! People that don’t laugh at me really urk me. I never mean anything malicious and I tend to get very protective of my own words when people beat them up. Today, I can tell my parents and I were incredibly rested because they didn’t roll their eyes or judge anything I had to say. They looked like they enjoyed themselves as I tackled my chicken marsala and went on in true Joan Rivers-fashion about my life. It felt good. It was a place I haven’t felt for a very long time with my mom and dad. I have felt like we’ve been on separate pages the past year, but today felt good.
I stopped at Target with my mom and made a little Valentine’s Day present for Chris. Chris loves junk food, so it was hot spicy potato chips, Coca Cola and chocolate for him. I also bought him a bluetooth speaker. I don’t ever feel like his Kindle gets loud enough to hear and he loves to play music when he gets ready on his phone. I can’t stand the sound of a cellphone speaker. It’s dinky. It’s hard to hear and the sound is not very good. I will argue this with anyone that overuses their speaker on their phone. Those speakers are attached for notifications, not full-on stereo listening. I think all music sounds like you’re trying to play an MP3 through a tin-can. I really makes my skin crawl. I hope he enjoys the speaker. I know Coca Cola is a hit every time so we’re good there.
Overall, this past week was a lesson in controlling my blood pressure and emotions. I wanted to end it on a good, calm note. I saw a really amazing musician on Friday night at The Senate and raved about her! She was amazing. I can’t wait for her to play there again! My emotions were up and down all week and involved me chewing my better-half’s ass a couple of times. He didn’t fully deserve my “Boy, Interrupted” moments this week. I think the memorial of my grandfather’s passing and the Mariah Carey playlists on my iPhone got to me. Add a chaser of to-do lists and deadlines brought on by perfectionist me and you’re asking for me to explode! I’m just looking forward to moving on into this week… calmly.
I have learned that I need more time off, maybe even a few weekends and need to say “no” to a lot of items and inconvenient tasks that just pop themselves into my world. I cannot handle much more. There’s too many things to tend to. I need more help or I need to start pushing some stuff aside or re-assigning them. Ladies and Gentlemen, Josh is human. Make this note in your iPhones with the clunky speakers: iJosh is AT CAPACITY.