Saturday, 4 June 2016 —
This morning I woke up in bed and scattered around looking for my Blackberry. Last night, I dropped my Blackberry in the living room and was in a panic looking for it in the car. I yelled, I screamed, I acted a complete fool looking for that phone. I threw a childish tantrum and made Chris turn the car around and bring me to the wine bar and to the apartment to find it. I’m so annoyed with myself today. Miya saw me act all lunatic-crazy, Chris is upset with me today and I’m sitting in the apartment watching episodes of The Housewives of New York wondering how to contact casting because I’m a crazy bitch like all of them! Needless to say, I have my iPhone and my Blackberry close to me in the living room and want nothing to do with either one AT ALL today.
I apologized profusely to Chris and Miya last night and we went to dinner. Everyone hates me today still. I apologized again. Everyone is still annoyed with me. Don’t know what to do except just move on into this day and act non-lunatic status. Maybe I’ll go for a walk or go to the library and avoid everyone. Maybe I’ll shut both my phones off and walk into the world we know with a landline. Who knows! I can’t handle dealing with the aftermath of a meltdown or a tantrum as an adult. It hurts my head. It’s really hard apologizing and feeling the tension radiating from the receiver. I fucked up. I said I’m sorry. Move on please. I am.
This week was incredibly productive, but incredibly overwhelming this week. I had a Crohn’s flare up on Monday night that literally paralyzed me into the fetal position. Chris had no idea how to help me. I was so aggravated with clients and people that I stressed myself into a full physical meltdown. The week continued and things went well, but I have a PILE of shit on the color bar waiting to get completed. On Thursday, the door knob at the salon broke and I had to have it repaired. Yesterday, I looked at all there was still left to do and just wanted to cry. I went to the wine bar and had a one-on-one meeting with a lady from a networking group I just joined. It was wonderful, but I didn’t have any time to relax and just breathe or check email or return messages.
Last night’s Blackberry Blow Up was the product of too much liquor, too little food, not enough personal time and anxiety that needs to be released.
Poor Laurel and Chris and Miya have heard it all week that I’m unhappy, stressed or overwhelmed. I’d roll my eyes if I were any of them right now just hearing the name “Josh”. I texted Laurel this morning as I was watching the Housewives. I just like those moments of friendship: no strings, no fakeness, just talking. I texted Miya and she said “we’re good.” I texted Chris, he’s working on a client and I’m sure he read my message and just wanted to back hand me for how I acted last night.
Yes, this smart phone business is for the birds. I’m gonna start reading newspapers again and give up on this modern life of 2016. Before smartphones, words meant something. Now, we text everything and it feels empty. Why have we become so dependent on these devices that cause so much stress?
Maybe I’ll find the answers on my walk.