a year in my life, controversy, friends, gossip, luxelove, spilling tea

Sunday Evening: How Many F++ks Do I Give?

Sunday, 7 August 2016 —

I have done hair since I was 21 years old.  I am happily celebrating 11 years doing hair very soon.  It’s crazy to think that for a decade I have dedicated my life to a customer-service based industry.  There are so many days when the last thing I want to do is listen to one more fussy person tell what they do and don’t like about their hair; there are also the days when I couldn’t see myself doing anything different.  I originally wanted to go to fashion school and become a Creative Director or Fashion Director for a high-brow magazine.  My love of fashion is not what it once was and I think I would have become increasingly bored by the bulimia and arrogant designers and undermentioned teams that make their names the stars of Bryant Park every September. 11 years in, I can’t imagine working at another salon.  I can’t imagine not calling my own shots and I can truly tell you that 95% of the decisions made professionally for me were made directly by me, no one held my feet to the fire or killed my spirit without my permission.  The 5% of my disconnect in my career is sometimes based on location and fear holding me back.  At 32 years old, I have made the decision when the plane left Denver, Colorado to pursue this Label.m gig and to not hold myself back from achieving greatness.  All of this confidence in that decision has caused multitudes of clients and friends to ask me if I’m leaving Pueblo.  The answer is, “no… not now.”

I met my parents for lunch today at Red Lobster.  I abhor big box restaurants as most people know, but today wasn’t too bad.  The waitress was trying to be funny and I kept thanking her for her personality.  My dad, who is usually Mr. Personality, seemed less than enthused.  My mom had no concern for anything at the table besides listening to my retelling of my air travel from two and half weeks ago.  My goal was to make them laugh and shoo the obnoxious waitress away between crab legs.  The check came, I picked up the tab and all of sudden my dad sat up in excitement, “wow! Thank you! What a treat! That was nice of you.”  I was thinking to myself that the poor waitress didn’t have to perform for us, I would have entertained my own table of mundaneness. $110 later, I thanked her, handed her a $20 and headed back home.  Sometimes my parents need to remember that the service industry is a hard gig, she was only trying to do her job and do it well, a little side smile may have taken the edge off of our service.

I received an email today from a life coach we’ve been seeing once a month and evaluating if I will be seeing him past Rosh Hashanah.  As the year moves into the next and the Jewish New Year is celebrated in October this year, I (like years prior) am taking evaluation of friendships, connections, business partnerships and family matters as the time draws nigh.  Is there a need to see Blair past that point?  Am I done learning what I can from him?  I have learned from the past that where there are questions and doubt, there may be a transition coming.  We meet this week, I’m going to weigh what I’ve learned this past year with him vs what I feel like now.  Is there any further to go or are we rounding up this journey together.  I also have a few friendships that have come to my attention.  I see so many of my interests and theirs changing or even just notice how nosey some have become and how self-serving some of my business connections seem.  All of those can just move on without me, I don’t care to be in a “union” with peeps that think “What’s in it for me?” at the end of the day.  I know we need to worry about ourselves, but there comes a point when its time to let them move on in their own direction before an eyeroll sets in.  I can feel my eyes squinting in hesitation when selected individuals speak to me.  I’m not feeling anyone’s bullshit normally and lately I find myself shaking my head after selected conversations have happened.  I can’t continue to expel energy into multiple connections that don’t worry about my well being or even consider our mutual interests.  I know it sounds deep, but it’s worth looking at, ya know?  I can’t fake my affection.  If it’s not there between me and selected individuals anymore, it’s just not.  Time to move on. It doesn’t mean I don’t like you, it just means I’m not interested in continuing a fake friendship or connection any longer.

There’s a song from Erika Jayne that I keep playing in the car, on my iPod and on Apple Music called “How Many Fucks?” that just went to #1 on the Dance/Club Charts three weeks ago as I touched back down from my Label.m trip.  It seemed almost heralded as I anticipated a new era of business pairings and interests.  This year, I changed my ringtone to “Bitch Better Have My Money” by Rihanna and felt the empowerment of that song.  It’s brash, it’s catty, it’s hard lyrics summon a control that I wanted 2016 to represent.  As Rosh Hashanah approaches, I keep asking how many fucks do I personally give about what people have to think or where this new year will take me.  For once in my life, I am incredibly concerned with me and couldn’t care less who — clients, parents, friends, business connections– thinks I should do this or that.  The canvas is pretty bare at this point in my life, it’s time to add a new color or experiment with style more and pursue more.  Either you’ll follow and stay interested or you’ll stray away.  I’m really not interested in performing as hard as our waitress did today at Red Lobster for attention.

Stay tuned… things should get interesting…

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