a year in my life, Uncategorized

Hitting Restart

Wednesday, October 12, 2016 — Yom Kippur, post fast (for me at least)

So many times I sit in silence on my days off (as far and few as they have been recently and in recent years, mind you) and I think to myself how excited I am to NOT be bombarded by the world or any obligation that I have either ignored or have purposely set aside for another day.  A few hours go by and I’m bored being at home and don’t want to waste away the day napping or day-drinking.  I think napping is fabulous and as I’ve gotten older, I truly appreciate it and see it’s importance.  Day-drinking is guilt-free and done for the mere fact of occupying time with senseless binge drinking and perusing Facebook, skimming magazines or talking shit with friends.  At 32 years old, I’m somewhat bored by it.

Today, as I fasted for Yom Kippur, I sat at home while Chris went off to spend the day with his friend and it all was wonderful until about 3:30pm when I finally began to feel my empty stomach.  I thought about misdeeds, gossip, drama from the past year and after making a latte and sipping it for over the course of an hour, I thought to myself: “that’s enough”.  I’ve thought about this past year.  I thought back to two years ago.  I thought back to last week and last month, etc.  I thought about friends I’ve told too many things to, I thought back to people I once considered friends and see what a victim mentality I may have been living.  I saw into the past and saw some not-so-great stuff about myself and yet, saw so many perfections.  There’s so many moral standards I have established for myself in 32 years.  I know who I am at this age.  I don’t question my integrity or my values anymore.  I don’t question my size as a person or my weight or my facade.  I don’t question who I want to grow close to and who I willingly push away.

Today’s fast and lack of communication has given me a chance to hit restart.  I don’t have anything beyond that point going through my head.  If you want to be friends, cool.  If you don’t, it really doesn’t affect me as I may not have the energy to pour into another relationship.  My work speaks for itself, I go to work and put in 110%.  When I start feeling 90%, it’s time to take some alone time and read or go for a walk or go for a really nice dinner with someone.  Overall, at 32, I’m not impressionable any more.  I’m not swayed by people taking my side or the other person’s side.  I’m not convinced that the world is a neutral battleground or that it’s me versus the world.  I truly believe life is what you make it.  I think for the better part of two years I’ve been rather lazy as a friend and as a community member.  I think for the past year I’ve taken time to sit myself down and ask myself some hard questions.  I won’t bore anyone with those.

My family life has changed.  My friendships have all changed.  My zeal for life is completely different than it was a year ago or even five or ten years ago.  I’m not the same person and I don’t want to be.

A day of fasting, praying , reading, looking at YouTube videos, watching a re-run of the presidential debate and laying on the couch has culminated in me saying, “okay.  Fasting is done.”

I get it God, you wanted me to listen to my inner voice today.

I’m not regretful of anything really.  I have some folks that I want to talk to and they will reveal themselves to me as the next day reveals sunrise.  Opportunities come and go and some are missed.  How would I know the difference unless I truly took a chance and invested time into new activities or business ventures?

32 is not 22.  It’s not young, it’s not old.  It’s not Jewish or Gentile or Muslim or Pagan or Buddhist.  It’s 32.  I’m not stupid and young, I’m not an old man.  I’ve learned some lessons.  I still have more in the books waiting to be deciphered.

5777 is here officially.  I’ve had 10 days to think and one day to atone.  I’ve had 10 days to hear from you, my friends.  I’ve had 10 days to purge or move forward.  I’ve had 10 days to do what I’m doing now….hitting RESTART.


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